Identity

I think we come to different points in our lives where we look to answer the question of identity. Who am I?

When I lived in Colorado I came across this question of wondering who I was and trying to figure out the purpose of my life. What was I meant to do for my career? I had no idea and I wasn’t any closer to figuring it out in my early 20’s. I did find out one thing though, a very important thing and that was MY WORTH. While living in Colorado I learned that I am worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of having big dreams, worthy of success, happiness, an amazing future. Throughout my childhood I don’t think I ever really felt I was worth anything. So discovering this and learning this important point in life really helped propel me to where I am today. After having learned that important lesson, I came to learn what I wasn’t.

As Matthew McConaughey mentioned in his life advice video, through process of elimination, I continued to learn who I wasn’t. I wasn’t a shy person, I wasn’t someone who could stay quiet if I felt things were unjust, I wasn’t a person full of hatred, I wasn’t someone who enjoyed working for someone else, and the list went on. Through the years I continued to learn who I wasn’t which lead to learning who I was and brought me closer to answering the question of my identity, priorities, and things that I wanted out of life. Living back home for 3+ years I learned the importance of healing, forgiveness, and letting go and at the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018 I learned the importance of living your life for yourself.

I had been living my life sacrificing my dreams for those that I love (my priority) which is family. As time went by, I felt God was putting into my heart that I had to let them go to live their life and I needed to live mine. You see, I was getting to a point where I’d sit down and feel that I hadn’t amounted to anything in respects to my career because I was always putting my career on hold for fear of not being there for my family when they needed me. As this continued to happen, I noticed I was becoming more and more unhappy and even angry that I was always the one sacrificing when others weren’t. So I finally grew the courage to let go. Or I should say God thrust me into a circumstance where I became angry and fed up and decided enough was enough. It was the scariest and most rewarding feeling of just finally deciding to do something for ME! AND the best part was realizing that you can be there for your family while also living your life (even if it means cutting back some and allowing them to do things on their own)

As I’m in the car being driven to the airport where I was about to hop onto a plane to fly out to the new city where I decided I was going to move, I was bombarded with fear. Fear that I had made a terrible mistake. Fear that it was all going to go horribly wrong. I was full of anxiety and emotion and I sat there praying to God asking Him if I had made a terrible mistake.

Why wasn’t I full of peace? Why was I so afraid all of a sudden? Why didn’t any of this feel right?

I do believe that sometimes when you are close to making a radically life altering decision for the better, the enemy (negativity in the universe, the Devil, the bad energy) gets in the way and tries to stop you from taking that next step that brings you closer to your dreams. Yet in the moment, I felt that I had messed up. I had quit my job and had decided to fly out to this new city without a job or apartment lined up. So maybe I had made a terrible mistake…

After landing in this new city and taking time to pray, I decided that I would trust God and embraced the change. Because taking that step out regardless of my fear (After all the emotion settled) felt like it was the right thing to do to get me to where I want to be a few years down the road. I chose to take the risk and trust that God will be by my side no matter what happens. I felt that He had placed in my heart this desire to do something for myself and so even if things didn’t work out in this new city, I was glad that I gave it a shot. Because you see, one thing that I had learned about myself years ago was that I didn’t like to just sit around and let life pass me by.

I wasn’t going to let life be mediocre and for me that meant stepping out and embracing change.

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