Today was another very hard day for me. Another notch in the belt for an intense mental battle with myself. I had a really hard time with suicide when I was much much younger. Now I have days where I feel really anxious or down. So even though I normally keep things to myself, I decided I would write about it today because I know that I am not the only one who struggles.
I was reading “Truth Serum” by Beauty Beyond Bones (you should def read the blog post!) and it made me think of one of my biggest struggles, not thinking highly of myself. I struggled with getting up in the morning sometimes because I couldn’t really see myself doing anything worthy. I have a fear of being unwanted and unloved and of never getting married. Every time I’ve had a boyfriend and I don’t hear from him my anxiety kicks in and I start to ramble off every bad thing I can think of. “He doesn’t want to be with me,” “I’m not good enough,” “I never do anything right,” and the list goes on and on. In those moments I lose sight of who I am. I forget that I am an amazing beautiful individual capable of so much more than I can possibly imagine. I forget that my “burden” makes me who I am today and as Caralyn mentions in her blog post, “someone is going to think that’s beautiful.”
Fear is a lie that we allow ourselves to believe is truth and we have to work hard to realize that every negative thought we have in our lives is a lie!
Regardless of what happens in my life I cannot lose sight of who I am, the very things that make me me regardless of what is around me and I need to remember to love those parts of me.
Today I lost sight of myself. I forgot who I was and cried quite a bit. Cried because I was on the downward ride of my rollercoaster and I was tired of feeling that way. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like nothing is getting better, like life is not cutting you a break. It’s exhausting to get up feeling down, to feel like all you want to do is cry, to not be motivated to do anything at all and feeling like it’s all out of your control.
But I got through the day today and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
God reminded me today that I am beautiful, I am capable, I will get through this, I am loved, I am amazing, I am smart, I am kind.
Tell yourself those things today! YOU are beautiful, YOU are capable, YOU WILL get through this, YOU are loved, YOU are amazing, YOU are smart, YOU are kind.