Here is my story…
All or nothing I suppose. Pen on paper, words typed in a document, emotions expressed through the clicking of keys on my MacBook Pro. My finger tips find their way to the letters needed to express the feelings of a broken heart. Wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I’m starting a series called “Broken Heart.” It is/was/started as a healing project. Healing from blindly “falling in love” with the wrong person, healing from my past abusive relationships, and healing from past hurt that still lingered in the depths of my heart.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know this was a much needed learning experience for me. Regardless, this moment in my life resulted in a pain that I had never felt before. There’s nothing like losing a loved one; figuratively or literally.
Pain is pain no matter how it’s dished out.
It begins with the sleepless nights, analyzing EVERYTHING, the dreaded what if’s, the inability to eat a single damn thing. I’d get up in the morning and just cry. Cry because it hurt so bad inside. I couldn’t feel anything else but that sadness. I had no energy for anything and I went through the motions. I completely shut down and lost myself along the way. I realize now how lost I was throughout my relationship and how lost I became afterwards. My solution? Numbing myself to everything around me. Smiling when I needed to, laughing when it was appropriate, going to work, coming home, eating the little I could, watching a TON of Netflix because it helped me to avoid what I was feeling, and then it’d start all over again the next day. I prayed a lot because without God I wouldn’t have survived. Without God I was completely underwater, with God my head was at least afloat. The problem was I wasn’t doing anything to change my circumstance. I was kind of just floating around, just getting by by maintaining my numbness.
Then there were days where I was sick of crying and sick of feeling dead inside. I’d try and get up with a positive attitude and out of the blue that feeling of sadness and brokenness would overcome me. Paralyze me. And just like that it would start all over again. The pain of losing a loved one is never something dealt with easily. Unexpected loss, expected loss, tragic loss it honestly doesn’t matter the adjective describing the loss. It still hurts and it’s still painful.
Now I am someone who laughs ALL THE TIME, am super silly, love having fun and spreading that to others and here I was withering away to sadness. My emotions would switch from anger to sadness to numbness and I couldn’t keep up. On a roller coaster of torture. No matter what anyone else said it didn’t make any of it go away. Not to mention finding out a loved one was diagnosed with cancer and would soon die, my family was going through a lot and I felt guilty bc I wasn’t there, some personal things were happening and it was all happening at once. Add that to the hurt I’d been carrying around for years and you have yourself quite the recipe for overwhelming hurt and brokenness.
This is how “Broken Heart” was born. It was/is my personal project to heal from this pain and past pain and hurt I had endured. It took a broken heart for me to realize I had hurt from the past I hadn’t quite healed from and a current broken heart that became the last straw.
My parents separated when I was young so I already had a very negative view on love. My AIM was ‘Lovesacruelgame’ if that doesn’t clearly explain how I felt about love. I couldn’t wrap my head around how people who say they love each other could possibly leave one another. I didn’t get how you could tell someone you loved them yet lie and cheat. It didn’t make any sense at all. And so my concept of love became corrupted. I dated here and there but always kept guys at arms length from my heart. I saw the pain my mom went through and had decided I wanted nothing to do with that kind of hurt. I began bouncing around from state to state and job to job because of my inability to commit. Commitment was serious and I wanted to avoid it at all costs. It was too permanent for my taste and I saw what commitment had done to my family growing up. ((I would later learn that my misperception of love and relationships was nothing but that; a misperception.))
Like every story goes… I moved to a new state, started a new job, then met a guy who I decided to let in and “fell in love”. Fell in love with our little family we had created. But just as quickly as things started, things fell apart. Had I not been blinded, I would have seen that it would have never worked out in the first place. It’s funny how our gut knows so much and without fail we tend to ignore it. To ignore those little red waving flags telling us to runaway, turnaround, leave but we continue taking steps forward anyway. Just like those damn Lemmings. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is truly wonderful and one of the sweetest men I know (when he choses to be), we just weren’t the match for one another. Too many differences causing us to spiral and fall apart.
I had lost loved ones due to sickness, accidents, some more traumatic than others and now I could officially check off that little box next to losing someone you fell in love with.
It dawned on me how many people in this world are feeling this same exact kind of pain. I’m blessed enough to have an amazing support group consisting of my family and friends who have received countless phone calls but what if others aren’t as lucky to have created this support just yet? I can’t imagine surviving and slowly getting through it all without the love of my family and friends. As impossible as I thought it was to overcome this pain, I slowly am. Slowly healing and finally letting go of hurt from many years ago. I’ve gone through many dark battles. I know what it is to hurt and attempt suicide just to get away from said hurt. Battling those dreaded inner demons that don’t seem to go away. The point is that we all go through some form of pain. Some are lucky to get through it, others are barely staying afloat, and sadly others don’t survive. Because they’ve given up, are tired of fighting such a long battle, are lost, or the shore feels too far away. But let me remind you that it is not. Let me tell you to keep on fighting. Keep that head above water because you WILL get through it.
I want to use my “Broken Heart” Series to help raise awareness for those in pain. Those that are lost, those that are hurting, those that are so broken down they feel there is no point at all to get up. My “Broken Heart” series will consist of different illustrations depicting the pain I felt/still feel from this past relationship and past life experiences. A depiction of being drained of life, feeling trapped, lost, angry, and blinded. Those whose loved ones have died, those going through divorce, a terrible breakup, those struggling with life’s battles, those that are insecure, single moms and dads, veterans who have seen so much and done so much only to come home broken apart, those abandoned by their parents and friends, those that are feeling alone. EVERY single one of you out there, this project is for you.
Those who know me know that I am an extremely private person. The majority of people I know have no idea what I was going through and am still going through. But I refuse to let this be a fear that keeps me trapped and paralyzed. Paralyzed of confronting what I went through because to be honest with you all, I had avoided my project for the longest time. (Over 2 years now) It would stir up memories, emotions, sadness, anger, you name it that I had tucked and locked away and wanted to avoid. But I’ve had enough and I am ready to let it go. I want to be there for others who may be going through a fraction or times 50 of what I went through.
So there you have it… My up and coming project to help those that have hurt and are still hurting inside…